 As sad as I was that I had not accepted the offer to stay in Greece, I knew that the most important lessons had been learned. First, I was already seeing the affects of the Law of Attraction. I took this practice back home with me and instantly began seeing the results. The show I had produced and had to perform in the very next day after my arrival back home was a huge success. I began finding love in my life again. And my career started becoming immensely successful. I visualized good things in my life and slowly but surely, they started to manifest. But, moreover, I felt better. I was more grounded again. Both my personas started to find a middle ground and mess into one happy, confident person. Just enough peace from Greece followed me home and began to settle itself with me in my real and daily life. I had gone through the fire, and I had come out refined, whole, pure and stronger than ever. So as a closing note to this blog series. Here is a video I had filmed one of my last days in Greece. It hasn't been shared until now and I'm so happy I filmed it. And on that note, I'll allow my past self to close out this series.
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 Just as I was among the first to arrive, I was also one of the last to leave. My heart was heavy. I had found so much peace and joy during my time in the sun and I so dreaded returning to the craziness of the city life. I was afraid I would return to my old habits and continue feeling lost.
As fate would have it, I was actually given the opportunity to stay. As our pole camp drifted out, a yoga pole camp began to start trickling in. I met the owner of the camp as well as some of the teachers and began connecting with them instantly. Turned out, we had plenty of mutual friends. I continued to talking to the owner and then out of nowhere, he offered me a free ride to stay for the yoga camp. I was shocked. I had been manifesting the law of attraction in my life. All of the sudden, I was being offered a free yoga camp in Greece! Not only that, but he offered that I began studying yoga, he'd more than likely hire me in a heart beat! I was stunned. I had just began practicing integrating the law of attraction into my life and it already seemed to be taking affect. I didn't want to leave Greece and I was suddenly being offered a free ride and a potential future job! I had the whole day to think about the prospect. Here, I would love to say I stayed an extra week and became a traveling yogi. I certainly considered it heavily. However, responsibility called to me. I would have had to cancel my flight and re-book a new ticket. Not only that, but I had left my dog to the care of my roommate and didn't feel it was fair to give him an extra week of responsibility. I also had a company to run and had been producing a brand new show that was supposed to go up the day after I returned. As much as I wanted to be irresponsible and blame fate and attraction for it, I knew I had duties back home. By the time it got dark, I sat under the porch lights reading my book knowing that I had to follow through with the decision I had made. The yoga camp instructor came up to me a few minutes before the taxi van came to pick me up and asked what I had decided. He hand me his phone and said I could call the airport right then and there to reschedule my flight. With an unwilling heart, I declined the offer, sad, but knowing that if it was meant to be, the opportunity or something similar to it would return when the time was right in a responsible manner. He was bummed, but I was even more bummed. All the same, I knew I had made the right decision. The taxi cab arrived and I began to head home.  By Thursday, all of us were exhausted. We weren't tired, we had plenty of time to sleep. But our bodies were sore from continuous gripping and bending them around a metal pole. When we first arrived, we were complaining that the days need to be overflowing with pole training. But by Thursday, we were content that we only had a class or two instead of three or four. We were also lucky that our travel package came with an incredible massage in a tiny hut. A few of the girls and I decided to take advantage of the free time to relax. We wandered through the fields, letting the dry grass cut our shins with little kisses. The air was still cold, but the sun was warm. We got lost a couple times, but eventually traveled our way across the fields to a winery. Happily, we sat ourselves and order a huge sampling of ALL the wine. We spent that afternoon enjoying each others company and having girl talk while drinking some of the best wine in the world. We talked about our love lives (or the absence of them). One of the girls was engage to be married. Another had a long term boyfriend. Then there were the couple of us who were single. As one of the girls talked about her finance, my heart grew a little sad. I had once been married. I had once had a man. But then I remembered the unhappiness of my marriage and all the restless nights I spent crying. I let the wine sink in a little deeper allowed the sadness to disappear. True, I had no one waiting for me at home, but I was happy. And I was single. And, more than that, I was free. Great joy took the place of the sadness...and food took the place of alcohol. On our way, we walked back more confidently than how we arrived since we now knew where we were going. But as we passed by a bunch of cows, goats and sheep, the troublemaker in me decided to cause trouble. We saw a huge cow hanging out by itself and decided to attempt to pet it. One of my friends decided to be adventurous with me. But as we approached the cow, the bigger it got and the scarier it's horns looked. The girls who stayed behind we calling out that what we were doing was definitely a bad idea. We got a couple feet away from the cow and stopped. He suddenly didn't seem so friendly or cute. We realized he did have a loose rope around his ankle, but it didn't seem secure enough to hold him. We looked at each other and laughed nervously, then agreed to go back. We had satisfied enough of our adventurist desires and didn't really want to get run over by a cow. The day was full and we were happy.    One of the greatest adventures we had was travelling across the Aegean Sea to the Santorini Volcano. We were in Oia so we had to take a huge tour bus up the hills of Santorini to Thera. When we finally got to the city, we were at the top of a very tall hill. We had to make it down to the bottom where the water was. So we walked up and down cobble stone streets that wound around hills. We kept getting lost in the city trying to find our way down to the water where the ship was waiting for us. At one point, we had to share the road with a herd of horse as they passed by us on a street on the cliff. But at long last, we finally walked through a tunnel and came out on the other side where something like a pirate looking ship was waiting for us. The adventurer in me was overwhelmed with excitement. I started at the back of the ship but slow made my way to the front so I could sit at the bow and let the ocean mist spray my face. The sun was shining bright and strong and the cool ocean winds were refreshing. We traveled further and further from the city. When I looked back, I could believe that I was coming from that place. It was so stunning and everything looked so much like all the postcards and pictures of Greece. I had just been walking those streets. I was living on that island. I was here.  When we got to Tholos Naftilos, we began to head up the volcano. The pole camp teachers (who were world champions) took off in an instant determined to make it to the crater of the volcano. Meanwhile, my friends and I made it to Point B...there were several or more points left to go. There we stopped and decided to head back to the ship. We liked to climb with are arms...not so much with our legs. The ship took us to another location where we could swim. I, myself, am not much of a swimmer. As much as I wanted to jump in the water, I figured there be more chance of me drowning than having a good time. Unfortunately, it's just not my element. So instead, I sat at the bow of the ship and took in the sun. My heart had reached perfect and full contentment. I was here and I was alive. Nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. I had overcome and unlocked to the door to my freedom and my peace. For the first time, I could feel the stitches mold my heart back together, healing me, and making a whole and complete person again. My heart was full.
 One of the best parts about Greece was the people I met. The pole camp brought a group of us together from all over the world. I got to build friendships with people I would have never met otherwise. Two of the most important friends I made I mentioned previously. One was a gay, New York, hairstylist and the other was a British business-women mother. The three of us thrived on pole sport as an athlete challenge. During our time in Greece, we began to share stories about ourselves that would have otherwise been harder to come out in day to day life. While pole training to adventuring, we'd laugh and make jokes. We were easily among the loudest in the group and we had a ton of fun being so. But, during the quiet moments when we were away from everyone and eating cake while watching the sunset, we talked about our struggles and things that made our hearts hurt or caused us to become cold to the world. Both were older than me. We all lead completely different lives and were spread pretty evenly across the world. Our common interest in pole sport brought us to the same place. But as different as our lives were, our passion as artists gave us a strong commonality. As I shared with both these incredible people the struggles of my divorce and how lost and lonely I felt during my identity crisis, they both helped me come to an understanding that I was not alone and that I was worth more than I was allowing myself to realize. In one short week, they showered me with love and care and made me feel that I was more than I was allowing myself to see myself as. I finally began to accept that I was a bit of a mess. My whole life I had been an obedient, quiet, good girl. But I had come to discover myself to be a dark, passionate, sensual and very wild woman. My upbringing told me I was sinful and terrible for it. internally, no matter how much fun I had, I still judged myself for it and considered myself a bad person for being comfortable with my body. I enjoyed the empowerment and satisfaction that came with being a temptress on stage. For the first time in my life, I felt powerful and confident. I liked being desired. I loved it when I began dancing and could hear and entire bar suddenly go silent and suddenly become captivated. I could command a stage with a single look. But my hometown considered me a newly become devil child for it. And no matter how hard I tired, that inner shame rooted itself deep down inside of me enhancing that feeling of unworthiness. But in Greece, I could see myself for all that I was and learn to love and accept it. I am an artist. I do the things that most people will never have the confidence or bravery to do. I break the lines and I influence people to realize the bright and dark things about themselves that they can't see in day to day life. The rest of the world can call us sinners for it, but at the end of the day, it is the artists that drive and influence the world. It's those who have the bravery to experience, discover and live the things that most people would not be brave enough to attain that keep society exciting and the world moving forward. Call it sin. I call it art.    In the mornings, I'd train my body. But at night, I would train my mind. One of my favorite parts about travel is the excessive amount of time I have to read. As a child I was often isolated in my room. This caused me to take up the habit of reading. It allowed my mind to flourish and take me all over the world or into make believe worlds. It often satisfied the explorer inside of me that was not allowed to explore.
But as I got older, as with most young adults, it became harder to find the time to read. My career was basically being paid to party. So all my nights were spent out at parties and I very rarely had calm nights to myself. Weekends I'd work till five a.m. and was lucky if I got to bed before the sun came up. Mornings I'd sleep thought trying to get my body to recover. Afternoons, I'd prepare for the run of three shows all over the city. There was little free time for me to indulge my mind. But it was ok because I was finally free to explore and I took that liberty to explore vastly. But travel gave me time away from the parties to explore my mind. So nights in Greece, I would pull out my books and journal and take the time to ask myself what had happened in my life, how I felt about it, and where I wanted my life to go from there. A friend had given me the book "The Secret" before I had left. I brought it with me and read all about the law of attraction and how we attract the things we want in life by making space for them and expecting that space to be filled. I realized, for my future, I needed to begin attracting the things I wanted. But more than that, I needed to start making space for the things I wanted and let go of the things of the past. I spent the nights creating and rewiring what my life would be once I returned to Los Angeles. I was no longer a victim to anything or anyone. I was solely in control of my life and the only person that could stop me from getting what I wanted, was me.  Training was no joke. We had an extremely full schedule taught by world champions. We spent hours each day training and letting the pole rub the skin off our bodies. The first day my shoulders were super challenged and pushed to their limits. It's amazing how athletes train their bodies to wrap all sorts of ways around different apparatuses. Most people see a pole and automatically assume stripper. I see a pole and automatically recognized incredibly skilled, talented and strong athlete. And that was exactly what I was focused on becoming. Mornings were focused on training. Then afternoons I go out and lay in the sun by the pool. I was never good at being calm or still, especially in the past year. But my purpose for being in Greece was to face myself. And for the first time, maybe ever, I was finally able to just be and allow my thoughts to come without fear of what they would say.  One of my greatest fears in life was being alone. As a child, I heard many threats of abandonment. Even though I never was, the fear was so powerful I eventually ran away. This lead me to jumping from home to home, never feeling grounded. I thought marriage would end the torture and I would finally feel at home and loved. Safe. However, it was not so. Instead, my marriage was another series of feeling like I was constantly on the verge of abandonment. My husband was constantly walking out the door and the fear and pain became crippling to the point where I knew I need help and began to fear for my own life.
It ended up being another relationship where the fear of being left alone was so powerful that I eventually ran away. In escaping the fear of being alone, I constantly found myself alone. But rather than facing being alone, I continued to run. I would run to whatever superficial feeling took that fear and momentary loneliness away. I run to the circus, I'd run to work, I'd run into the open arms of a lover, even if it was only for a night. I just kept running. But in Greece, I finally stopped. We were at a resort that was surround by nothing in the middle of an island. There was no where to run to. More than that, I didn't want to be anywhere else. I was completely content to sit in the sun by the pool by myself. I let the loneliness in and allowed myself to accept that I had no one back home waiting for me (other than my dog). I allowed myself to take in the loneliness for all that it was and let it sink in. But it was ok. Because I had made it to Greece ALONE. No one had bought my ticket for me. No one was back home paying my rent for me. I was doing it all, all on my own. I could be alone. I was ok alone. I finally stopped running.   The first morning in Greece was cloudy and cold. It didn't seem like a good sign. Luckily, I had arrived a day early so there was still hope that the sun would make it's way out. I sat on the hammock outside of my little cottage and face-timed my roommate who was watching my dog. The weather was far from what I expected which was a bummer, but all the same, I was under the Grecian sky and I couldn't help but be immensely happy.
That morning I went to breakfast and made friends with a funny pair of friends. The guy was a gay hairstylist from New York and the woman was a married mom with her own studio from London. They kept me laughing my entire trip, but moreover, they taught me so much about what it meant to love myself and find value within myself. But for the moment, they were just fun company. The group of us that had arrived a day earlier decided to take the liberty to explore the city. We took a cab to the city and began to explore the streets on the cliffs of Santorini. It was beautiful but soon enough, the weather overpowered us. The winds ranged through the Santorini streets leaving us tourists floundering in the wind trying to survive and fight our way through the city. It was cold and start to rain. I was freezing (and I'm never fully happy when I'm cold) but at the same time, I couldn't help but laugh like crazy. I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world getting tossed about by the wind trying not to freeze with two other very expressive foreigners. As cold as I was, I couldn't be happier. I was free and at the beginning of my great adventure to find peace within myself. No doubt it would be a little turbulent along the way, but I was excited to see what I would come to discover. And, sure enough, the next day when it was time to start training, the rain clouds began to disappear.  The first morning in Greece was cloudy and cold. It didn't seem like a good sign. Luckily, I had arrived a day early so there was still hope that the sun would make it's way out. I sat on the hammock outside of my little cottage and face-timed my roommate who was watching my dog. The weather was far from what I expected which was a bummer, but all the same, I was under the Grecian sky and I couldn't help but be immensely happy.
That morning I went to breakfast and met a funny pair of friends. The guy was a gay hairstylist from New York and the woman was a married mom with her own studio from London. They kept me laughing my entire trip, but moreover, they taught me so much about what it meant to love myself and find value within myself. But for the moment, they were just fun company. The group of us that had arrived a day early decided to take the liberty to explore the city. We took a cab to the city and began to explore the streets on the cliffs of Santorini. It was beautiful but soon enough, the weather overpowered us. The winds ranged through the Santorini streets leaving us tourists floundering in the wind trying to survive and fight our way through the city. It was cold and started to rain. I was freezing (and I'm never fully happy when I'm cold) but at the same time, I couldn't help but laugh like crazy. I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world getting tossed about by the wind trying not to freeze with two other very expressive foreigners. As cold as I was, I couldn't be happier. I was free and at the beginning of my great adventure to find peace within myself. No doubt it would be a little turbulent along the way, but I was excited to see what I would come to discover. And, sure enough, the next day when it was time to start training, the rain clouds began to disappear.   Everything in me was so excited as I landed in Greece. I was ready. Since 2013, I had traveled to a new country every year. But during my divorce, I was financially overwhelmed. I had taken everything in the divorce, including the apartment and the giant puppy. I eventually gave back the car since it was leased under my husband's name, and even though I was more of the provider in the relationship, I was struggling intensely to maintain a two person lifestyle under one income. All the while, I was also trying to leave more stable work to become a full time independent artist. It was an immense struggle that meant I had to take a year off of travel. But having finally come to a place of greater stability, I was ready to explore again and more importantly, find my peace and combine my two identities into one grounded person.
I had booked a week long pole camp in Santorini. We had the entire resort to ourselves and were split into cute little cottages. The resort was surrounded by nothing but hills and nature. We had a schedule filled with pole training all day but plenty of time to sit by the pool as well. I was ready. I didn't know who I would meet or what to expect, but that was the beauty of it. No one would tell me where to go or what to do. I was completely independent and ready to roam. A lot of people are scared to travel alone, but I thrive in it. My mother had grown up traveling the world. I had lived off her stories. She was also an English teacher for foreign students throughout my childhood so I was quiet accustomed to being around various cultures. I had also gone through intensive training to live in third world countries so I was pretty thoroughly prepared in case of disasters. Once, I had been left in Kazakhstan on my own, that was not a trip where I had planned on traveling alone. However, thanks to my training, it didn't phase me much. All this to say, while some people are scared to travel alone, I love it. I arrived late at night. A taxi driver picked me up from the airport and dropped be off at the resort. A man met me at the entrance and brought me to my little cottage. People were slowly arriving. I went to bed with such peace and joy that night. I knew I was about to come to such a peaceful resolve within myself and I was so ready. One week with total strangers, training and exploring. Absolutely no boys, bars, parties, work or distractions. I would face myself and all the fears and ugliness within me and understand what the trauma within me had created. But more importantly, I would leave a whole and complete person again. |
