Months after the launder mat experience, I walked around my tiny studio apartment alone. My husband had left. I wasn't sure of how it happen, but it did. I was now alone with my giant mastiff puppy. I was only twenty-three and at the very beginning of my performance career.
I was scared. I didn't know how I was going to pay rent. More than that, I was scared of my husband having a bad day and coming for me. He obviously knew where I lived and it wasn't hard to break into the apartment (I had done it several times when I had forgotten my keys). And even more than that, I was scared of returning home to my family. I didn't realize it at the time, but my main motivation for getting married (aside from loving my husband) was to get away from my family. Going back would only return me to a terrible mental state. I had to find a way to make life happen for myself and I had no clue how. The trauma I was facing seemed overwhelming. Everything I had been through had programmed me to be terrified of that very moment. Yet I had no choice but to face it.
Then my eyes landed on the book I had just finished reading.
She had left. Her marriage had ended and she was alone and heartbroken. So she left to find herself. In that moment, I knew what I needed to do. I had to find a way to leave the country and find myself. I had to find peace and realize that I was a whole a complete person. I would find my way to a tropical island and achieve peace, alone. I would stop being a victim or a helpless girl that needed a man to provide for her and I would create my life to be everything I had ever dreamed it to be. I didn't know how, but I knew it would happen.
Going through lots of phases, and hair colors, trying to "find myself".